Saturday, October 24, 2009

my new craigslist ad

$100 Artist seeks Patron w/ house

Date: 2009-10-24, 4:47PM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

I'm a jazz guitarist (Male, 38 (but people say I "look young") with piano skills and drumming ambitions looking to relocate to SW Florida from the northeast. My aim is to begin projects in stained glass, finish several writing projects including stage plays and screenplays while continuing to practice several instruments in anticipation of performing a one man musical variety and comedy act.

I can, despite public opinion, "get a job" and "make money", but I feel this is beneath me and, frankly, a complete waste of my immense talents. All my previous jobs have confirmed this suspicion. Imagine if Charlie Chaplin decided to assemble diesel locomotives or if Marilyn Monroe had taken a job at a sewing factory or if Pablo Picasso had been a barkeeper...all in the name of making money. The world would not be the same.

So, I am looking for a way to purchase back those otherwise squandered 8-10 hours a day by becoming your personal entertainer and artistic concierge. We will, among other activities, listen to Beethoven's 5th symphony on a regular basis and discuss the thematic patterns. We will listen to Jim Hall's inspired guitar playing and mediate on what it means to express yourself with an instrument. We will paint. And we will sculpt and pick up shells on the beach and make something out of them.

I realize not everyone can be a bohemian, but I can live no other way.

Perhaps you have a big house that is paid for and has a piano gathering dust. Do you like Ray Charles' heroin inspired piano solos? I do.
Perhaps you have a mobile home (once purchased as a secret retreat for you and your now deceased lover). The bathroom is stuck in the 1970s? Do you like mirror mosaics and Mexican clay tiles? I do.
Perhaps you have an empty guest house that needs painting. How about 1966 Mod era pink and blue vertical pin stripes?
Maybe your child is glued to the television and can't be bothered to read a book. That sounds like a reason to get lost in the Everglades National Park and some campfire readings from the naturalist John Muir.

I'm bringing my guitars, a violin, some songbooks and some clothes. I travel in my 1969 ford van. I need a place to sleep and play the instruments and some space to make stained glass. Needless to say, I will be restoring classic motorcycles on site. I also read until 3am and sleep until I wake up. I don't use alarms because they are not sophisticated. If something is so important that I need to be reminded of it (or, god forbid, woken up) then I will hire a nubile servant to come wake me with aromatic spices and an oil bath for my long brunette tresses.

I don't habitually use drugs or alcohol but tolerate them in artists. Life is an unusual and breathtaking experiment where we walk on the precipice of disaster at all times. Drugs help us see how insane that is.

In closing, I basically need a space to create my art and I offer my entire set of skills at your disposal in exchange. Even if I paid you rent I would still do this. I am not selfish with my abilities but I am selfish with my time. The ideal situation would have me as a modern day Socrates in a white toga leading philosophical discussions by a hot tub before cooking grain salads and dining (not eating) while being entertained by a wind ensemble. Later, some reading and writing of poetry. I'm a straight man so don't get any funny ideas about me bedding down with you at night. I am like Odysseus, a loyal lover of the fair Penelope...though I have not yet met my Penelope.

So, check out my entertaining blog,
And may Zeus the thrower of thunder look kindly upon you in your travels.

  • Location: Naples
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
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Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.