Monday, December 14, 2009

abandoned projects...

Every writer has some projects that sort of get off the the point the get in a list of future projects, but never get done. Here are some of mine that I just uncovered... Well, one did get completed.

  1. Man disappointed in Anna Nicole Coverage on local news
  2. Underage boy finds himself viewing inappropriate material on internet
  3. Poker success depends on luck, says local man.
  4. Man solves problems of the world
  5. Bush gives country back to the people. Finds obscure passage in constitution.
  6. Man breaks with Girlfriend up over PC/Apple question.

Apple/PC Debate Too Much For Local Couple

By Oggy Bleacher

Feb 9, 2007

After months of trying to work out their personal computer differences, Rebecca F. and Sam Q. have decided to call it quits and go their separate ways. The East Phoenix couple leaves behind a bundle of miscellaneous cable adaptors, several computing manuals and a hard drive of broken dreams.

“Firewire?” asked a frustrated Sam as he packed his HP Pavilion into its crate. “If she mentions firewire one more time…”

Rebecca, in the middle of answering an email on her Powerbook G5, muttered, “Ok, Mr-control-alt-delete. Your PC is so much better than mine. Why don’t you use the help and support feature. Maybe there’s a relationship wizard feature that will solve our problems. Shazaam!”

Sam paused for a moment, the passion of his loyalty to PCs clearly evident on his flushed face.

“You see?” said Sam. “It’s just impossible. Our computers have made this relationship untenable. We’re not the only ones. A gay couple we know broke up because they couldn’t agree on DSL or Cable Internet. Think about it! Why isn’t anything being done about this?”

Sam and Rebecca’s problems are not unusual claims computer consultant Mimi Leftwich of the Miami, Florida based firm Circuit Solutions.

“Couples need to understand that bringing together computers of such different origins and interface as an HP and a G5 is just asking for trouble. Unless you enjoy constantly monitoring the cross-platform compatibility of your hardware then you are guaranteed a life of fruitless trips to Radio Shack as you attempt to engineer the digital equivalent of a Middle-East Peace treaty. I’m saddened, but I’m not surprised.”

According to Mimi, at least half of her clients fit into what she calls the “Diplomat” category.

“Typically these couples come to me after the problem has already escalated from acute to chronic. What was at first a minor disagreement between the perceived difference between [Apple-based] iTunes and [Windows-based] Windows Media Player has become a complicated war. Each partner must defend their computer or else look foolish….The first thing to understand is that neither one is wrong.”

Try explaining that to Rebecca and you’ll get a different story.

“He [Sam] kept making cracks about all the accessories I purchased for my G5. He said Apple customers were a kind of cult. He wouldn’t even enter the Apple store downtown. He said the glossy white powder-coating on everything made him uncomfortable.”

Rebecca says the beginning of the end was when the couple purchased a common LCD monitor for Christmas.

“He could just plug the monitor into his monitor port. I had to buy a cable adaptor to use the video port. Sam just snapped.”

“Why do I have to convert my WMV files to mp3? Why? It’s not fair! Furthermore, I’ve asked that she remove all the songs of mine that she converted and put on her iPod.

Long suppressed opinions about the varying degrees of quality, the alleged monopolies, the copyright infringement, all came into the light.

“It’s the stage I like to call soft reboot,” says Mimi. “If there is a chance to salvage the relationship and purchase some USB flash drives then now is the time. Technically, flash drives are cross-platform and files may be used freely on both a PC and an Apple as long as the software is identical and both computers are operating on updated operating systems and there is no user protected file access issues.”

For now Rebecca and Sam are resolved to start their lives over.

“Date another Apple girl? Never. They’re so smug it makes me sick. Her computer crashes just as much as mine. She’s not perfect!”

“Don’t mix apples and oranges,” jokes Mimi, “but mixing Apples and PCs is just a matter of drawing up a hardware compatibility plan and sticking to it. It’s one of the many services a computer consultant like myself offers and it gives me an added sense of accomplishment to help take the mystery out of cross-platform computer interfaces while saving a relationship at the same time.”

This one is just bad... IT was supposed to be a parody on what we actually do to cats when we neuter them. But mixing white rum and a computer didn't work in this case...

Local Man out to Eradicate Cats

I’m sick of them! Sick to death. I don’t want to just kill cats. I want to torture them and forever banish them to hell by disabling or amputating their genitals.

Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.