Wednesday, February 17, 2010

midnight rant

A pointless rant that I thought had more of an uplifting message when I started. I keep thinking I'm going to look in the mirror and see no more grey in my beard. I mean, who doesn't do this? I think, today is the day I will wake up from this horrible nightmare that has me getting progressively, insidiously older and more frail. So I go to the bathroom and look and instead of less grey, I see more grey. I see grey beard hair, head hair (what's left of it) and chest hair. I found some white hair on my pillow. What skanky old woman was sleeping here? I thought... Wait, it's mine!
Oh, Christ!
So I thought, since this is unstoppable and everyone from Gary Cooper to Gandhi ended up dead I had better get fit and stay fit for as long as I can. Not because I think that will stave off death's cold hand, but because it is the only way to make life tolerable. God, I hate resembling characters in American Beauty. I'm sure having children is the best way to distract yourself from the crumbling infrastructure that is your body.
Am I the only one who has a hard time getting off the floor? Or am I the only one who falls down for no reason?
I sometimes think that I'll exert less energy and thus slow down the aging process. Like I'll meditate for the remainder of my life and thus stay young. Has anyone give this a try?
I guess listening to Kai Winding and Bert Kaempfert instrumentals from 1963 doesn't help. They're just so good! Someone go listen to Spanish Flea by Herb Alpert and keep their face from not smiling. Here, just try not smiling...

Since the music has no video you can read while you listen. Here's some inappropriate content to go along with the upbeat trumpet tune that summons another era...

The five popularized stages of death are:

Dabda is the Acronym. What's a good mnemonic?
Doesn't Anyone Buy Dildos Anymore?
Don't Ask Bobby Dylan Anything.
Dentists Are Better Drinking Anise
Death Always Beats Down Alcoholics

Make your own one up, it's fun!
So help me figure out what stage I'm in? I hear you say, "Oggy, you aren't dying." Then I would say you are in Denial. You are telling me that I'm not dying because you don't want to believe that YOU are dying. Then you would get Angry. Then you would try to reason with me (Bargaining). Then you'd get Depressed. Then you would Accept that we are both dying. I mean, seriously, look at yourself in the mirror. Take a good look. Does that look like someone who isn't dying? I didn't think so. ACCEPT IT.
I think my new get fit plan is really Bargaining. I'm trying to cheat death. "No, look. I'm serious about living now. Please. I want Mary back!" So I should just be a fat bastard? No! But I'm past the anger phase. And I'm not in denial like you.

Does anyone want to do radio theater with me? It's perfect for non actors or camera shy folk like myself. No improve, we'll just write out a script. Heck, we can start with my workday story. Or we'll do a funny one about death.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.