Sunday, June 20, 2010

America: A Short History*

234 years isn't a long time but America is still standing at least in name. We started out as a few pilgrims who were tired of being told by the Church of England how to molest children. Puritans/separatists who moved from England to Holland where the drugs are better and then got on a ship for the Canary Islands and the captain got drunk and we ended up in the middle of the ocean. Jamestown was only 13 years old and the reports from there were mostly of famine and Indian attacks and crummy weather. Why the hell did these pilgrims leave Europe? I've heard Holland is a nice place to live. So, 102 bible thumpers sailed over and landed on Plymouth rock in 1620 just in time for the first Rolling Stones concert. They probably had to pay a hefty toll but I can't confirm that. Before you complain about the winters let me remind you that 30 of these original 102 died in the first winter. 10 more died from smoking moldy tobacco. 10 more died when they tried to go home upon learning there was no running water. So, half ended up in shallow graves.

These folks must've forgotten to bring birth control pills because in 390 years the population of 54 has grown to 300 million. They were puritans but sex within marriage was perfectly fine. I'm sure none of them broke that commandment although Wilt Chamberlain reportedly fathered 600,000 children. Child mortality was probably 75% so they had to be fucking every chance they got. Their life span was probably 40 years, ten of which was spent in agonizing pain.

A few other things happened in 390 years such as the English and Dutch catching wind of the limitless forests in North America and sending over dozens of ships filled with these dark skinned bipedal animals who would work for next to nothing and not complain at all. If you kept them fed for a few years there was no end to what they could accomplish. They even learned to sing and dance to amuse themselves. And when they died you just bought a new one!

Sometime around 1770 the man on the ground got tired of doing all the work and still not having access to The Spice Channel so he said "No more taxes." The Brits laughed this off and taxed the hell out of everything. So in 1776, 156 years after the first colony started, it was time for another split and the British peacefully left with the promise that America might have won this round but it would never ever produce a better prime time sitcom than England. Alas, that vow has never been contradicted.

Everything was fine for about 50 years until a guy named John Wilkes Booth started a riot at a Metallica concert that was forever known as the "Freedom To Get Fucked Up Massacre"

Northern states fought Southern states over who would get publishing rights to the Beatles record collection and fortunately the North won after a decisive Nascar race in Indianapolis. Little did they know that a clause in the Beatles contract declared that their music could not be played in lands where slavery was limited only to black people. So, George Washington and Albert Einstein brainstormed this problem and decided to enslave everyone under what is known as the "Minimum Wage Act"

Woodstock was an event organized to protest the widespread influence of a blood borne pathogen known as Bob Dylan.

There were several world wars fought over American's right to shop at Walmart and engage in Interracial Granny Gang Bangs and thank God the good side won! The picture below comes from an educational series called "Payback is a Bitch"**

So, we've come a long way, America, and I figure we've got at least two more variations of Coca Cola in us before we call it quits. The key is to not be stupid like Russia. They went from being called the U.S.S.R to the Soviet Union to whatever they're called now. The Russian Federation? Let's just keep the name The United States even if it is a complete lie. It's a better name than "The Land of the Blue and Red People"
The Red of our flag stands for Republican. The Blue stands for Democrat. The white stands for everyone who votes for Ralph Nader. The stars were just an accident when Betsy Ross's cookie cutter fell on the flag fabric.

* This history is not 100% accurate. **Picture was a granny gangbang and got censored


hardworker said...

That was beautifully said.

Oggy Bleacher said...

I'm doing my part to make the world a better place. Informed citizens are united citizens!

donno said...

i just saw this on the history channel.

6 part mini series. starring wil smith as wilkes booth

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