Saturday, August 18, 2012

Jack in The Box Crew Totally Makes Fun of You

Sources confirmed today that the night crew of the local Jack in The Box that you go to "totally talk shit about you" once you drive away.

An employee who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity said, "Of course we make fun of you when you drive away. Who wouldn't?"

The employee said that nothing was off limits once you were out of hearing range and listed the topics of unbridled mockery as, "Music, voice tone, speech patterns, clothes, menu selections, vehicle type, family, weight, skin color, everything."



"Yeah, what a total asshole [you were for ordering a value chicken sandwich to go with a regular priced chicken sandwich.]. Ok. You save $2. Big deal? The value chicken sandwich is for assholes."

Other quotes by the drive thru crew were in a similar tone of mockery, "Did you hear that song. What was it? Flock of Seagulls? Do you think that was on her iPod? I'll bet she downloaded it from iTunes because she's a total loser and is afraid pirated songs will download a virus to her precious computer."
"It did download a virus. It's called the "Space Age Lovesong" virus and it destroys your ears."

The crew laughed heartily as the cashier sang an off key version of Space Age Lovesong, by The Flock of Seagulls.

"And," continued the fry cook, "Could you drive a worse car, Mr. Saturn Coupe? Like, save up for an exhaust system that doesn't leak. Please!"
"His car was once a plastic bowl for a microwave dinner," laughed his partner at the grill.

"And I love how he can't order for his girlfriend so she has to lean across him and yell her order out. Like how hard is it to coordinate a drive thru order?"
"And don't turn down your crappy '80s song, whatever you do."
"I told you it was a virus. It keeps replicating."

Once you had paid for your meal and left the property of the Jack in The Box the employees viciously attacked every characteristic of yours.

"She had a Planet Fitness bag in the backseat."
"How much dust was on it?"
"Years worth. It was covered by Jack in The Box To Go bags."
"I'll bet it was. She weighed more than that piece of shit Saab she was driving."
"It probably was converted to methane so it could run off her acid reflux syndrome."
 "She makes the excuse that she's too hungry to exercise and then she's too full to exercise."
"She's too fat to exercise!"

Everyone laughed but you couldn't hear it because you were down the street digging into your bag of fried processed food. Back at the restaurant you were subjected to further mockery...

"I could smell his breath from the walk in freezer."
"I know. He couldn't spell Tooth Brush."
"Did you hear him when he asked what was on the Bacon Double Cheeseburger? Uh, what do you think? It's not called "Mystery Food"
"A total douche."

The crew of the local Jack in The Box mocked you until someone else passed through the drive thru...at which point they started to mock that person without hesitation or restrain.

"'I....I....I...I....I'd like a milkshake.'"
"Aye...aye...aye...aye...What is this, Mexico?
"Talk much?"
"He's too busy drinking milkshakes."
"He's too busy trying to figure out what flavor and what size."
"Right. He's never ordered a milkshake before. Large or medium, Einstein?"
"Ch...ch...ch....chocolate?"
"A total dickhead. I hate people who have no idea what they are doing. Like they woke up and were at a Jack in The Box drive-thru window."
"Take your milkshake and get the fuck out of my face."

Sources among the Jack in The Box crew confirmed that you have no redeemable features and are a total loser.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.