Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Milk Cow Less Blue

Transcript from cell phone conversation with Milk Cow:

Milk Cow (slurred, drunk): Oggy? [Milk Cow actually calls me Oggy since I tooled it onto my belt. He thinks Oggy Bleacher is the greatest name ever and eventually his curiosity will bring him here. Sorry, Milk Cow, but I'm a writer and you are my material] Hey. Hahah Guess what?
Oggy: Your fingers grew back.
Milk Cow: hahaha. Oggy, you kill me. No. They're gone for good. The social security came in. I got two grand coming..[sound of chickens in background] (shut the fuck up fucking rooster.)
Oggy: Two grand! You buying a luxury tent?
Milk Cow: Hahaha. No, the child support got taken out, the lawyers...the fines from that thing in Austin I told you about..."
Oggy: That shit at the police station...
Milk Cow: All of it.
Oggy: So the check was originally like $10,000?
Milk Cow: (get out of here rooster. Hey, could you call your rooster? He's eating my beans. Fuck! I spilled my beer. unintelligible)
Oggy: So your check...
Milk Cow: What? Oggy? Are you there?
Oggy: I said your check was...
Milk Cow: Two Grand. That's like a million dollars to me.
Oggy: Get your guitar out of hawk. Get a hooker.
Milk Cow: No. I'm getting a van. I have to move out of here. You want to know what happened today?
Oggy: What?
Milk Cow: I said you wanna know what happened today.
Oggy: Yeah. Yes. What happened?
Milk Cow: So, Raymond [owner of property where Milk Cow's tent is set] comes by. Pissed as a sailor on vacation. Drunk. Drinking. And you know I love animals...
Oggy: Oh, shit.
Milk Cow: I love animals. And this motherfucker is talking to me and he sees this kitten...
Oggy: Man.
Milk Cow: And he goes, 'Here kitty kitty kitty...'
Oggy: Lord...
Milk Cow: And you know how much I love cats and animals. I mean, I try not to fuck with an ant hill...
Oggy: Right.
Milk Cow: So, I'm sitting there watching and he says, 'Here kitty kitty.' And this sweet little starving kitten that I've been feeding scraps since I moved into the tent...right, the kitten is living on scraps from a homeless man with 7 fingers...hahahaha...
Oggy: Jesus. Where's the justice?
Milk Cow: So the kitten, a sweet kitten I named Sir Grenfell...
Oggy: No, you named him after that guy in Labrador I told you about?
Milk Cow: Yes! Because I'd never heard of him before and you told me about a Canadian named Grenfell and how he changed everything and I thought I'd name the kitten that so I could remember to read a book about him later when I had some money.
Oggy: And what happened?
Milk Cow: So Grenfell comes up mewing and sweet and innocent and I was looking around for a scrap to give him and I heard this 'WHAP WHAP WHAP' and I turned around....and Oggy, Raymond was beating that kitten to death WITH HIS BOOT. SMASHING HIS HEAD IN.
Oggy: (laughing, but silently, rubbing aching neck) Awful. How awful.
Milk Cow: [Roosters crowing] screaming at him to stop. And Raymond, who is poisonous and evil, looks through me, like a GODDAMN PSYCHOPATH. And he says, 'That's how I feel about everyone. Everybody."
Oggy: It's a hard world.
Milk Cow: So I buried that kitten.
Oggy: Sir Grenfell.
Milk Cow: Yes. I've got a tombstone made of cardboard.[coughs terribly] I have to quit smoking because I know I have lung cancer.
Oggy: You sound like it. My lungs feel like they've been heat blasted every morning from the gases in the air...
Milk Cow: What?
Oggy: Nothing. I hauled 5000 lbs of concrete this week and mixed it by hand.
Milk Cow: At least you're getting good money.
Oggy: Yeah. I thought it would be cheaper for the company to pay some homeless guys to mix the concrete instead of three electricians.
Milk Cow: [unintelligible] is work.
Oggy: I'll be back this weekend. I gotta get my muffler fixed. And the U Joints. I saw a bass guitar in San Antonio, maybe we'll go spend that two grand on some strippers.
Milk Cow: Oggy, I had my day in the sun with hookers. No more. I need food. And I need rest. I'm old and hurt. I gotta keep all these other kittens away from the property. I throw rocks at them now and apologize. But there's nothing I can do. [voice trails off]
Oggy: Alright, get some rest.
Milk Cow: Hey, Oggy....

I hang up quickly but one hour later Milk Cow calls me back and attempts to have the exact same conversation again.

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.