Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Man Works on Moped...You Won't Believe What Happened Next.


I laugh mirthlessly, like a convicted sex offender, when I write titles like that because I imagine what kind of asshole I would be if I were serious. As big an asshole as Beej Rudd? The psuedo-news factoid is almost taking over the internet. Am I the only person who has noticed that? If you walked up to me on the street, said, "Hello, Oggy, you want to know what happened when a guy jumped in a lion cage?" I would have a strong urge to punch you in the mouth. If I wanted to know shit like that I'd subscribe to www.Iamanasshole.com.

From The Dose
But on the Internet these kinds of frivolous remotely useless anecdotes basically litter the landscape, just waiting for your aunt to forward you the link, and since the enslaved Thai midwife who is chained to a computer and is forced to generate titillating titles must write something or else starve, they use the Enquirer "Bat Boy' method to titillate the Bangkok word pimps . Maybe they get half a cent every time someone clicks on their link. And if you buy a pair of shoes after going to that ad sponsored web site they might get $4 (as long as you don't clear all your cookies before purchasing). So they make $5 a day on that ad. Volume is everything and it angers me to the point of higher blood pressure, self-loathing angst, arthritic back pain, spine crushing pathology.

I wake up, work on the moped for 8 hours, eat, repeat.

You will believe what happened next. Yes, you will not be surprised. I lied about that part. Nothing about my experiences with my moped will shock you. I wrote that to intrigue you, but I'm actually full of shit. I work on my moped. It's 40 years old. I think the condenser has failed because when the engine heats up I lose all power. It will idle roughly but any throttle at all kills the engine. I know there is fuel in the float because I check it every time I take it off. It sounds like it has leaned out or is starved, but the condenser is also implicated in these kinds of problems. And I know there is an air leak between the carb and the manifold but that's been there for 6 years. Is that so fucking shocking? It shouldn't be. 40 fucking years this moped has been beat down hard. You know I bought it in pieces the same time I bought the van and all three of us have been up and down, cried some hard tears, been real close to the edge a number of times, looked in the mirror and didn't like what we saw. Oh, yes. The moped gets me around, I go to the gym and exercise my back because if I don't then I can't get out of bed. But I don't want to walk 40 minutes to get to the gym. Maybe that makes me an asshole, that I ride a moped to the gym. But that's my situation. Believe it. So I have to keep the moped running or else it's a huge fucking paperweight I carry around in the van waiting for some magical Italian mechanic to appear with the right parts. In fact, all I do is go to the gym and fix the moped. 8 hours on the moped, 2 hours at the gym. It's pretty fucking funny.

I like Torquoise, but this is blue clay. A chick would wear this, but not Oggy. Anyone want a homemade blue clay belt buckle?



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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.