Monday, February 23, 2015

Q&A Oscars 2015

A follow up to my review post

Q: Oggy, what do you think about Birdman winning Best Picture?

 A: It deservedly won Best Director for the planning/timing involved in those extended shots which were like Scorsese on crack. And it won Best Original Screenplay cause it stole an idea I had way back in 2003. The truth will come out. It was an even match between Boyhood and Birdman but because Birdman wasn't quite as big a novelty it deserves the award. I didn't love it, but I appreciated them both.


Q: Best dressed?
A: Rachel Weisz

Q: She wasn't present at the award ceremony.
A: Wherever she was, she was the best dressed.

Q: But of those present at the award ceremony, who was best dressed?
A: Rachel Weisz.

Q: Whiplash supporting actor J.K. Simmons won for his Kreese-as-conductor portrayal. Thoughts?
A: Great acting, not a very good role. He does reveal dynamics to his personality but he's a one trick pony in front of the band and I didn't like that because it's false. Almost none of my conductors said, "Good Job" but they also didn't slap me in the face.

Q: Maybe that explains why you can only play major scales on the guitar.
A: You're a real wiseguy. Let me finish. Simmons played the part well. It's not his fault he got written up as a 1 dimensional cat. He played that part as well as it could be played. Duke Ellington still rules.

Q: Neil Patrick Ha....
A: Please stop right there. He's good but there's room for improvement. That's all I will say.

Q: Did you cry when you watched Still Alice?
A: Yes, I cried. My grandmother did not recognize me when I last saw her. I probably have the Alzheimer's gene and won't be able to write "Happy Birthday" soon. I cried. It'll be a sad day when I stumble upon The Man in The Van blog and chuckle and think, this guy Oggy is a funny writer.

Q: You'll wonder why 'he' stopped posting.
A: Right. His last posts made no sense and finally they stopped. Maybe he died. But he was funny for a while.

Q: Then what three questions would you ask yourself, that if you failed to answer, you would kill yourself because it would mean your brain was toast?
A: I only need one. Right Fielder for Boston Red Sox in 1986. If I need to look that up, I'm done.

Q: Give me two more, just for fun.
A: What year did Marty McFly return to in the first movie? The significance of the tattoo on my right shoulder.

Q: Like they say, 'Better make hay while the sun shines.' 
A: Let's not go overboard. I have my standards as a slacker to maintain.


Q: On a lighter note, American Sniper got snubbed? Biggest ticket sales of 2014 by far and it only wins Best Sound Editing? What gives?
A: Hollywood is filled with Jews and their flunky pet projects so it's no surprise. The Libertards would love to watch America be overrun by Muslim terrorists. They won't be happy until Americans are dying in the streets of Los Angeles. Their guilt eats at them day and night.

Q: Your buddy Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) won for that performance you didn't care for.
A: Like Ricky Gervais said, "Play a cripple, win an Oscar."

Q: Richard Glatzer, who wrote and co-directed Still Alice, has ALS.
A: Exactly. Dementia, ALS, Cancer, AIDS...they all win Oscars. I'm one terminal disease away from fame.

Q: Your pal Wes Anderson won all the design awards, Best Production Design, Best Makeup and Hairstyling and Best Costume Design. I guess those ugly carpets paid off, huh?
A: That cheap rate charlatan has everyone fooled but he can't fool me. Nope. I know the deal. He won't pull the wool over my eyes. I know a phony bastard when I see one.

Q: What do you mean phony?
A: His phony cast, his phony sets, his phony stop action trick photography and identical framing of every face shot. His phony script. Phony to the core.

Q: Could you expand on that?
A: I'm done talking about Wes Ander-phony. DONE!

Q: Selma won Best Original song with Glory, a quasi-spiritual. Any opinion? I saw you getting choked up.
A: Stephen Spielberg wasn't available for this Oprah movie so it was an expensive history lesson for kids who skip school or live in states where they don't celebrate MLK day. At least the song is not Disney.

Q: They recognized the 50th Anniversary of The Sound of Music.
A: Good. They should recognize that musical every month in perpetuity. It's one of the greatest artistic endeavors man ever created.

Q: Back to Wes Anderson. He...
A: You can go to hell.

Q: Did you see Foxcatcher?
A: Sure, right after I put eyeshadow on my dolls and made tea for my teddy bears. Of course not.

Q: Michael Moore didn't win an honorary Oscar for eating Oscar Meyer hot dogs. Reaction?
A: Start a campaign. There's always next year.

Q: CITIZENFOUR won Best Documentary. It concerns Edward Snowden.
A: I didn't see it because I was catching up on the Pardise Lost trilogy. It won in 2012.

Q: So you're more concerned with a 20 year old triple homicide and three wrongful convictions than you are with the status of the modern surveillance state?
A: I don't like your tone. You'd best straighten up and fly right.

Q: Thank you for your time.
A: Whatever.

Q: By the way....
A: Yeah?

Q: Wes Anderson called and he said you can go fuck yourself. His film got three Oscars and you couldn't write your own suicide letter.
A: He's pretty funny. He'll look even funnier when I shove that phony Oscar up his phony ass. Yeah, you better run. You goddamn hippie.
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.