Overheard Quotes

"I have one position that is twelve hours of moving boxes of frozen fish sticks." heard at temp agency shortly before I walked out.

"I'll send you the financials tonight..." heard at my internship

"I hit a miracle throw and then you follow it up with two. That's what hurts." Spoken during a game of cornhole.

"I haven't seen you in 20 years." said repeatedly over games of cornhole.

Unverified Number Trivia

$600: Cost of a gallon of gas in Afghanistan.

4: The MPG of a Humvee.

1500: Number of miles the average forkful of food in the U.S. traveled.

6: Percentage of the food demands of New Hampshire that can be produced by New Hampshire agriculture. Six fucking percent? Are we trying to get to zero? Was there some resolution I missed that made it a goal to become completely reliant on microwavable dinners packaged in Indiana and milk trucked from California? Can't we pretend we reached it and start trying to learn to survive again?

0: My level of desire to write.

Nuclear Matters

If you have a few years to spare I recommend reading about nuclear weapons.
I'm amused that this information is available to anyone with access to the Internet. Just reading it makes me think not only should man never have meddled in this power, but you certainly can't post it on websites. I mean, you have to attest to being over 18 to view blow job pictures but the general facts of nuclear physics as it pertains to weapons is as common and accessible as a recipe for pasta salad!

Nuclear weapons depend upon the potential energy that can be released from the nuclei of atoms. In the atoms of the very heavy elements that serve as fissile material in nuclear weapons, the positively-charged protons and electrically-neutral neutrons (collectively known as nucleons) together form the enormously dense nucleus of the atom that is located at the center of a group of shells of orbiting, negatively-charged electrons.

...residual nuclear radiation will be emitted over an extended period of time, which may be harmful to humans if the detonation is close to the ground, or may damage electronic components in satellites if the detonation is exo-atmospheric...

I just did a tour of a diverse group of blogs that left me agitated and overwhelmed. Even if the present forces lead us to disaster the survivors will soon forget and forge ahead into their own story of joy and grief. Dostoevsky was arrested and tortured and almost executed and came back depressed and gambled and drank. Then he wrote like a madman and his books, which are his life and soul, are looked at like paintings, admired and then we readers go the the track for a whiskey sour.

Our turn on the merry go round is short and bizarre with violent monkeys hanging from the metal bars and whores and drunks falling or jumping to their deaths in moments of depression or clarity. Our money falls from our pockets to children and scavengers below and the cotton candy baked onto the paper cone wafts in pink plumes and fantasy to our noses, which are filled with cocaine. And to what end is the carnival ride? We can climb around and avoid the carnie's greasy hands but we'll fall off eventually and the ride moves on...or implodes upon itself and coats the world with the ash of the dead.

America: A Short History*

234 years isn't a long time but America is still standing at least in name. We started out as a few pilgrims who were tired of being told by the Church of England how to molest children. Puritans/separatists who moved from England to Holland where the drugs are better and then got on a ship for the Canary Islands and the captain got drunk and we ended up in the middle of the ocean. Jamestown was only 13 years old and the reports from there were mostly of famine and Indian attacks and crummy weather. Why the hell did these pilgrims leave Europe? I've heard Holland is a nice place to live. So, 102 bible thumpers sailed over and landed on Plymouth rock in 1620 just in time for the first Rolling Stones concert. They probably had to pay a hefty toll but I can't confirm that. Before you complain about the winters let me remind you that 30 of these original 102 died in the first winter. 10 more died from smoking moldy tobacco. 10 more died when they tried to go home upon learning there was no running water. So, half ended up in shallow graves.

These folks must've forgotten to bring birth control pills because in 390 years the population of 54 has grown to 300 million. They were puritans but sex within marriage was perfectly fine. I'm sure none of them broke that commandment although Wilt Chamberlain reportedly fathered 600,000 children. Child mortality was probably 75% so they had to be fucking every chance they got. Their life span was probably 40 years, ten of which was spent in agonizing pain.

A few other things happened in 390 years such as the English and Dutch catching wind of the limitless forests in North America and sending over dozens of ships filled with these dark skinned bipedal animals who would work for next to nothing and not complain at all. If you kept them fed for a few years there was no end to what they could accomplish. They even learned to sing and dance to amuse themselves. And when they died you just bought a new one!

Sometime around 1770 the man on the ground got tired of doing all the work and still not having access to The Spice Channel so he said "No more taxes." The Brits laughed this off and taxed the hell out of everything. So in 1776, 156 years after the first colony started, it was time for another split and the British peacefully left with the promise that America might have won this round but it would never ever produce a better prime time sitcom than England. Alas, that vow has never been contradicted.

Everything was fine for about 50 years until a guy named John Wilkes Booth started a riot at a Metallica concert that was forever known as the "Freedom To Get Fucked Up Massacre"

Northern states fought Southern states over who would get publishing rights to the Beatles record collection and fortunately the North won after a decisive Nascar race in Indianapolis. Little did they know that a clause in the Beatles contract declared that their music could not be played in lands where slavery was limited only to black people. So, George Washington and Albert Einstein brainstormed this problem and decided to enslave everyone under what is known as the "Minimum Wage Act"

Woodstock was an event organized to protest the widespread influence of a blood borne pathogen known as Bob Dylan.

There were several world wars fought over American's right to shop at Walmart and engage in Interracial Granny Gang Bangs and thank God the good side won! The picture below comes from an educational series called "Payback is a Bitch"**


So, we've come a long way, America, and I figure we've got at least two more variations of Coca Cola in us before we call it quits. The key is to not be stupid like Russia. They went from being called the U.S.S.R to the Soviet Union to whatever they're called now. The Russian Federation? Let's just keep the name The United States even if it is a complete lie. It's a better name than "The Land of the Blue and Red People"
The Red of our flag stands for Republican. The Blue stands for Democrat. The white stands for everyone who votes for Ralph Nader. The stars were just an accident when Betsy Ross's cookie cutter fell on the flag fabric.




* This history is not 100% accurate. **Picture was a granny gangbang and got censored

Summertime

No, I do not always sit at home hatching plans to invert the environmental paradigm of America. Sometimes I go out and drink and laugh about the old times.
Actual dialogue:

"You couldn't run and you lay down a bunt?
"Bowden, that was 21 years ago!"
"Two outs and two strikes?"
"I saw the third baseman playing back."
"I don't care. I almost tackled you at first base when he threw you out."
"He got me by half an inch."
"You were flat on your face."
"I dove head first!"
"You tripped over your gimpy leg."
"Oh, what the fuck! Forgive me."
"Never."
"I was in that car crash with that drunk on the way to school."
"I don't care."
"I thought I could beat it out."
"Inexcusable."

And we played cornhole, a game where you throw a beanbag onto a platform until 3 am.
That's JJ and Bowden in the back. Bowden said I look like Nakoma from the Grizzly Adams tv series. You can judge for yourself.


Maybe when I was 23 years old I sort of looked like this. I haven't had a chin that smooth since 1982. I am 1/32 Native American on my mother's side so...I'm going to get one of those necklaces one of these days to hide my bulging Adam's apple.

Here's Nakoma on his horse...

Speaking of Grizzly Adams, it was one of those tv shows I loves to watch in 1978. I loved it. I identified with it. Was it propaganda for the environment? I don't think so and the creator would agree...

"The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams was mostly the result of market testing and computer modeling, a research process Sunn Classic Pictures founder Charles E. Sellier Jr. was quite proud of. Grizzly wore no animal skins and ate no meat because the audience displayed heavy PETA-type leanings. The audience, he went on to say, likes "eternal summer in the primeval, womanless wilderness."

This explains quite a bit about my life...Little did I know it was all mapped out by tv executives.

The story was based off a real person and was cheap to produce so NBC went with it. But it made sense to me. I understood the simplicity of the woods and Indian blood brothers and bears and log cabins.

"I want to live like that," I'd say to my father.
"Ok. Whatever," was his response.

Well, I was determined and a careful study of movies like Jeremiah Johnson and Grizzly Adams and reading Call of the Wild at least twice I landed in a forest in Alaska where I chopped down trees to make a log cabin and snared rabbits for food. Thank you NBC and Nakoma!

Lyrics to theme song..

Deep inside the forest there's a door into another land.
Here is our life and home.
We are staying here forever in the beauty of this place all alone.
We keep on hoping.
Maybe there's a world where we don't have to run.
Maybe there's a time we'll call our own, living free in harmony and majesty.
Take me home. Take me home.

I took these lyrics as gospel even though they are obviously conflicted. Are you home in the forest or trying to get home through the forest? You need to go to the forest to find a door? Why? Why do you have to be all alone? And if you are all alone then why hope there's a world where you don't have to run? What are you running from? Who is following you to the forest? It makes no sense. If you've gone to the middle of the uninhabited forest that is beautiful but you are still hoping there's a time you'll call your own and be able to live free in harmony and majesty then maybe you are fucked in the head because you've done all you can do. What's next? climbing in a volcano? Are you whining because you have a bear as a friend and an Indian as a blood brother and a crazy gold miner as a buddy? Two human contacts and a bear? IS that too much to handle? You want sympathy?


PS: In other news I have ended my assignment at the hockey warehouse and am getting my hack's license.