Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Ingloreus Peece uf sheet

In my days as a hollywood script consultant I would periodically read a script in which there would be the following passage or something similar:

Int. Hitler's War Room

HITLER: These jews are evil! I hate all jews. All jews must die!

Hitler pounds table. His assistants look scared.

HITLER: Germans are superior and all jews must die.

C.U. Hitler's sweating and feverishly passionate eyes.

Smash Cut to: Ext. Field. Hero and his men march stoically over a pile of dead Germans.

I would write in red pen in the margins... "Unless you are personally sucking Harvey Weinstein's circumcised Jewish penis, or your name is Donald Trump, then this will never be produced."

Well, guess what Quentin Tarantino does in his spare time...when Kevin Smith isn't reaming Harvey's bum hole?

Inglorious Basterds....what a complete disaster. Only someone closely associated with Harvey's colon could possibly get him to bankroll this train wreck. $70 million dollars to rewrite history, diminish the accomplishments of every veteran, including Teddy Ballgame Williams who REALLY DID FIGHT IN WWII AND ACTUALLY HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE OUTCOME...unlike every character or representation in this movie.

Embarassingly slow footed, (I read more subtitles than in Apocalypto) ugly, pointless camera work, amateur acting, frivolous, useless, sacrilegious, atrocious.

I went into this with such low expectations (after the abysmal Death Proof) that I thought there was no way I could be disappointed. Alas, I shook my head often and vigorously.

Fundamentally, what is the fucking point of inventing a group of jewish assassins to kill Hitler, whose real life suicide is much more fitting a coward? There is no point. It is the choice of a guy writing in his office when he should be making copies, or the choice of someone who can get Brad Pitt to speak with a southern accent. Either way, the storytelling was abandoned in favor of what amounts to a gag.

Int. Studio Lot office.

Tarantino: "How funny would it be for these guys to kill Hitler?"
Harvey Weinstein: Funny as hell. Now keep sucking my cock.

Yep, about as funny as having the Germans make a movie where they kill Roosevelt and fuck Winston Churchill in the ass while Margaret Thatcher watches dressed in leather and atomic bombs detonate over New York. Ha ha. How funny would that be? It's like pulp fiction except sort of based on historical events. Aren't you laughing? The germans would stand up and cheer such a film. Actually, the theater I went to in Venice was dead silent. I felt bad for the three old women, whose husbands no doubt had survived this war IN REAL LIFE. Their sacrifices, the food drives, the rationing, the tears, the gold stars, the flag draped coffins, all of it overlooked for scalping psychopathic Americans and an ending that never happened.

disgusting. that is all I have to say. just a revolting piece of cinema. Tarantino was so happy he found the multilinguist Christopher Waltz. Unfortunately, the words he says and the words I had to read in English WERE UTTERLY COMMON AND UNJUSTIFIABLE. He betrays his country...why? For the same reason Shoshanna feels remorse after shooting Zoller. Wait, I will refrain from examining the story flaws BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MORE WORK THAN THE WRITER AND PRODUCER BOTHERED WITH.

Tarantino must have had Weinstein's cock so deep in his ass at that point in the script development meeting that they figured no one in America would care if the story made no sense. Lets just break it into 5 or 6 chapters and that way the audience will think it is something we planned. Ha. A little kid could tell there was no planning. This linear piece of toilet paper had one purpose...get people work making wardrobes...kill every german a'la Spike Lee in a pointless eruption of violence...then end the film with a line like
"This might just be my masterpiece"

Really? Will Brad Pitt go home to a 1944 post war country with rocket jets and laser beams? What about Ted Williams? Did he need to risk his life in the Pacific front? Or...wait a second...the pacific front didn't exist in this flick. How convenient. Unfortunately, the same audience member who forgot there was a battle fought over Japan, isn't the kind of person to read a short novel (subtitles) while listening to french and italian conversation and eating popcorn. A detail that highlights one meaningless scenario is how Americans show the number three on their hands (with the index, middle and ring fingers) compared to how Germans do (with their thumb, index and middle). Give some extra butter popcorn to the research intern who found that factoid out for Tarantino because the whole plot ends up unraveling because of this one detail. Now, this detail may or may not be true but it is presented as though Tarantino has thoroughly researched this era and his film's veracity can not be questioned...except for that minor part where a mythical bunch of savage hillbillys kill hitler and his crew in a theater. Oops, we got that part wrong...but the three fingers thing, that's absolutely TRUE, by god! Just insane...

Anyway, please see this movie so Tarantino will make enough money to buy a proper prostitute and stop fucking Weinstein, who bankrolls this trash. Really, Harvey should have his Jew license revoked for backing this. It's a slap in the face of everyone who has a number stamped on their arm and anyone whose grave has a flag over it... on BOTH sides of the gun. And I'm a dirty communist loving hippie! That's how bad this movie is: It made me love America again.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.