Tuesday, December 15, 2009

American Schools Falling Behind in Football

Dateline: Washington D.C.

For the second straight year American high schools have scored fewer cumulative points than the previous year, prompting an outcry from parents and administrators across the country.
Press Secretary for the department of education, Marty Wilhelm said, “We are dismayed by this drop in cumulative points from our nation’s varsity football teams. After spending several million dollars more than the previous years in coaching, equipment, field maintenance, transportation, health insurance and training, we anticipated a 5% increase in points scored. By the end of the season we were disappointed.”
While the decrease in points could be attributed to better defensive coaching and execution Wilhelm was quick to point out, “There’s no excuse for scoring fewer points. This is simply not acceptable. An exploratory committee has been appointed to determine what went wrong so we can fix those problems before our kids fall further behind in the wildcat offense, the [pass/run] option, and the slant route.”
Jim Rollinsford [not his real name], a parent of a football player in Alabama leaned over a fence and picked a clump of grass from a quiet football field.
“I played varsity football here in 1983. We had cotton uniforms, outdated pads, maybe six footballs to go around. Hell, the head coach ran the local welding shop. We scored, on average, 42 points a game. Last season my son’s team scored an average of 35 points. And that’s including the blowout against those piss ants at Marston High!”
Rollinsford’s son who agreed to be interviewed if his identity was not disclosed nodded his head near his father.
“It’s true. We really let our parents down. If there’s such a thing as being over-prepared then that’s what we were. We practiced every day after school. We have playbooks four inches thick. I’ve got a personal trainer and start spring workouts in February. Still, the numbers don’t add up. They just don’t add up.”
His father started to say something but caught himself and put a hand on his son’s shoulder.
“Next year. You got one more year of eligibility. Just pray to God a college looks at the big picture.”
Sports Psychologist, Dan Rightman PhD of We Train Right in Seattle, Washington claims the cumulative point discrepancy is misleading.
“It’s in the interests of sports programs across the nation to appear to be slipping. That way they demonstrate a continued need for funding. As soon as the average points peaked in the steroid era of the Nineties, football programs across the nation saw a sharp decline in funding. Furthermore, the decline is merely relative to that abnormal bubble. I predict another year of decline before it finally returns to pre steroid averages.”
Jose Herndon of the Canton, Ohio based parents group H2nOw raises concerns about the amount of money spent on football compared to science based classroom content.
“I represent parents who don’t care how few points our football teams score. American students frequently score below developing nations in reading, science, math and…”
Herndon’s comment was cut short when a basketball hit him in the shoulder. A truck full of teenagers sped away with a banner reading “Science Sucks”
“This,” said Herndon, “This is what I’m talking about. Our priorities are upside down. If pass blocking and running downhill were categories for the Noble Peace Prize then I wouldn’t be here.”
Back in Alabama, Jim Rollinsford passed a football to his son.
“I don’t listen to that steroid talk. A football is a football and the field is still 100 yards long. The problem is commitment. Our country doesn’t want to put the extra effort in to keep scores high. But we’ll find a way to overcome it. We always have.”
He threw the football to his son ten yards away. His son caught it and pretended to dodge imaginary defenders.
“That’s right,” said his father, “Keep low and drive. Finish the play.”

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.