Wednesday, February 3, 2010

confederacy of dunces

I was drinking. is that not my right as an adult??
and I read from confederacy of dunces as ONLY I CAN READ IT. But it was written by John Kennedy O'Toole who sucked exhaust from a car and died like David Foster Wallace.

I am the only person you will ever meet who understands the linguistics of confederacy!
And here it is. this is as rare as you will get. A master reading from a master. I UNDERSTAND this book. I have lived this book. I KNOW this book! And I don't like to talk about this book because it is unsophisticated to gossip. So this is a one time only view into my worldview that includes this book, I won't revisit this sober. why would I??
But I know this is how this book is supposed to be read. This is it. I've got the exact interpretation!@
I once took a ferry from Metaire to Alexandria to donate blood to make money to buy gasoline. It's an old story.
and the man I met who also gave blood had stolen steak from a market and sold it to the deckhand on the ferry. We agreed that life was what you made it.
"Ain' no one gon hep tha po man," he said. "But hissef."
I stayed the night in the worst homeless shelter I've ever stayed in,
I wore pajama pants that were 50 inch waist. I'm a 34. So I tied the waist in a knot and shuffled around the metal cots.
We ate bologna sandwiches that smelled bad.
The shower rooms were obscene. I pretended I showered by splashing water on my hair.
the soap was green.
the water smelled.
a heavy man tried to give me a blowjob but I said no.
I slept with my shoes under my head because of fear of theft.
someone stole my t-shirt
several people got food poisoning. I myself was sick. Why didn't I leave? They locked us in...or locked the world out. Either way, I was trapped.

early in the morning I got up and left and threw a 25$ New Orleans parking ticket into the trash and drove to Houston. In Houston I went to the YMCA and didn't get a room. Instead I slept near a Korean grocery and drank soybean milk until I got a lead on a job in Galveston. I drove to Galveston. I'd never been there. But a Texan gave me a job on a supply vessel and that started a career as a merchant marine. I was fired within a week but I managed to keep my job through willpower. I was fired but I just stayed on the boat because I had nowhere else to go. Eventually they paid me.
I slept on the beach and in a fine old house with a widow's watch where you could see the ocean...
we shipped out of New Orleans and played billiards in a Louisiana bar, drinking, smoking, speaking ill of our ex-girlfriends, and made it back to the boat on time. Some men didn't make it back in time.
The house in Galveston had a widow's watch and I fell asleep surrounded by... playboy centerfolds. yes.
and penthouse. They weren't mine but I didn't complain.
and it was 110 degrees. I had a leaky air conditioning unit.
I slept hard because I had taken a xanax back pain pill because I had pulled a muscles and could not walk...
and slept until a Mexican woman woke me
"Why are you here?
The air conditioning was positioned so it blew cold air on my naked body...
"The owners gave me the key." I lied
I call them, she said
"ok," I said as I put my shorts on.
and she called...
I said, "One moment. I will get the lease agreement out of my car."
and I got in my car and drove away because I had broken into the house with the help of a guitar playing captain who had once rented the house and had the key. but he no longer rented the house. This was a mess for everyone involved but I fondly remember a corner store, "Chong's Market" that had pickles and beer and also these fried spring rolls and I lived on those spring rolls for a week and slept in the house with the widows watch in Galveston, drinking beer and watching the ships come home as the breeze cooled me, until the Mexican lady came with her child. Her son or daughter discovered me first passed out among the porn and cold air. I was dead to the world and awoke with a child looking at me...
There was also an Caulfield-esque incident with a prostitute and a performance of "The Sound of Music"
Sometime last year the house was destroyed in a hurricane.
and also the french quarter rescue mission with the bologna sandwiches that made everyone was also destroyed...
This is why I, and no one else, can read from Confederacy of Dunces...

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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.