Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Current Events Spin


CNN "reporters" really are the most incite-ful, shit-stirring, shit-talking bunch of cock suckers imaginable. They are a small step above TMZ, reporting on incidents that they manufacture with their own bullshit articles. Why do I ever stray to that fucking site except to punish my own low self esteem? I really imagine a group of 25 year old kids drinking gallons of coffee under strict deadlines spewing misspelled essays about their own previous articles and calling it news as long as BMW keeps paying the advertising bills. I guess it is part of my mission to fully understand the United States. The media is largely a can of compressed shit that says, "Shake Can Then Spray." I really and truly hate it and feel like there can never be intelligent and critical thinking as long as the major news networks tug and pull on media events like we're Muppets with hands in our asses. It is impossible to conceive of a worse predator to humanity than CNN and Fox. Pure propaganda and mass manipulation. It's such addictive trash disguised as topical events. I'm in awe and I can't turn away and I loathe myself and I'm ashamed and filled with hate and fear for humanity.

Should I go on?



The trick seems to be controversy. They (the cunts at CNN) only concentrate on issues that are diabolically polarizing. 11 year old mothers. Death Penalty. Abortion. Euthanasia. Murderous rampages. Unsolved murders. Really, the bottom of the barrel...as long as a clear resolution is never in sight. Then the spin doctors go to work with their clever Brown University Communications degrees and they shake and spray their shitty pseudo opinions until you almost can't tell which way they are pulling you. But they aren't pulling you. They only want to incite you with non facts. "Lots of words and not much news," as one commenter commented as another car ad popped up. Sure, they don't report on all the planes that land safely. Whatever. They are mouthy cunts and I have proof.

The Ozzie Guillen non-event is one example of pure ludicrousness that only CNN would capitalize on to sell air deodorizers for dog owners.

Guillen, the former short stop and now manager of Miami based Marlins, the closest baseball team to Cuba is quoted in Time magazine as saying he "respect[s] Fidel Castro. You know why? A lot of people have wanted to kill Fidel Castro for the last 60 years, but that son of a bitch is still there."

Real inflammatory stuff coming from a guy who decides when to yank a pitcher or intentionally walk a hitter to set up a double play. Yawn.

Ok, asking a Venezuelan-born baseball manager what he thinks about Fidel Castro is like asking Katy Perry what she thinks about Abortion. It really makes no difference what they say. But suddenly the Marlins must either suspend Guillen or back him up. They suspend him because "such talk has no place in sports" and then in the same breath The Marlins say, "The pain and suffering caused by Fidel Castro cannot be minimized in a community filled with victims of the dictatorship." and this is where the story goes into outer space, because what we have is a political conversation between the public relations department of an expansion baseball team (trying to be apolitical) and baseball fans everywhere because of generic remarks plucked from a conversation with a manager who was probably drinking scotch at the time and speaking Spanish. So the Marlins PR team is now giving one sentence history lessons on a par with free encyclopedia articles written by conservative think tanks? If you subtract Castro and Che Guevara from Cuba THEN YOU GET HAITI WITH MORE WALMARTS! Thanks, Marlins, but I think the wisdom you can impart regarding Caribbean politics starts and ends with The Bermuda Triangle. Understand that what Guillen said is opinion stated as opinion. What the Marlins said is politically biased rhetoric stated as fact. What CNN did is shit in my mouth. Now who the fuck should be punished?

A foreign CNN commenter said, "Your country is so crooked you have to screw your socks on in the morning." And it's true because I read it on CNN!

To start with, if the Marlins are so concerned with these remarks THEN WHAT IS A FIVE GAME SUSPENSION GOING TO DO TO HEAL THE WOUNDS IT CAUSED?
Like, what Guillen said is horrible so we'll suspend him for five games? Hahahaha. Well, either it's horrible and you fire him, or it's not horrible and you ignore it. Exactly what company policy did this violate? Is there a sub clause in his contract that said he can't respect any dictators of Communist countries? Or if he does respect them then he can't say so. He needs to just keep his mouth shut about any respect he feels for Castro or Hitler or Stalin or Attila the Hun. If he admits to any respect then he is penalized five games. What kind of insanity is this? Why not give the opposing team a free home run? That makes as much sense. Castro was a lefty pitcher who once tried out for the Washington Senators so why not give the Washington Nationals a five win head start in the NL East over Florida....TO PUNISH THE TEAM OF THE MANAGER WHO RESPECTS CASTRO FOR NOT DYING EASILY. Hahahah. Or give every Yankee fan a free hot dog...TO PUNISH THE MARLIN BASEBALL TEAM because Castro forces all Cubans to train in the military, which is dedicated to defending the island against an American invasion that has been attempted a couple times. I can't see how a five game suspension for politically protected free speech resolves anything. Free speech is good enough for America but not for the Marlins! The really fucked up thing is that if a Cuban baseball manager speaks out against Castro in Cuba then he gets a Six game suspension. So there! They love Castro more than we hate him. (insert: sound effect of Oggy's head exploding)

On the flip side, Guillen is now apologizing, which begs the question of what kind of a person says he respects Castro and then retracts the statement? You mean you don't respect Castro for failing to die? You disrespect a person for living? Yeah! Now he's the kind of person we want as a manager... The Marlins only want managers who publicly hate and loathe dictators to decide when to insert a pinch runner for the pitcher. Kill Kill Kill! Bunt! Bunt! Bunt! I mean, did Guillen say that he respected Castro because he systematically oppressed and deported homosexuals? No. Did he say that he approved of Castro's policy of suppressing political opposition? No. He said he respected Castro's resilience under fire. That's all. That's one lesson Guillen takes from Castro: Defend your position; survive at all costs. Never admit defeat. It's all sports analogies, not politics. Of course, Guillen immediately caved in when confronted on his own opinions which just proves the point that it's hard to defend your beliefs. If I had a job and they asked me to take this post down I probably would do it. Because unlike Fidel Castro, I have no backbone. Plenty of news moguls in the free world say they admire Joseph Goebbels (Nazi propaganda minister) because he was good at the same skill: communication/persuasion. The ugly details are that Goebbels was spewing hateful, villainous lies about those raised in the Jewish faith...but that doesn't detract from the truth that Goebbels was a damn fine media man. Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. You'd be stupid to think Ted Turner learned nothing from Goebbels and if the fighting spirit of Castro makes Guillen a gutsier baseball manager then so what? It's like saying Lee Harvey Oswald was a good marksman. True...but...

Some people can separate the means from the ends. When an opposing hitter smacks a home run is Guillen supposed to say it was a cheap hit? Giving Castro credit for resilience doesn't make you a Communist. It's just the truth. He outlived Eisenhower, Johnson, Kennedy, Che Guevara, Nixon, Ford, Reagan, Hussein, Bin Laden, Stalin, Mussolini, Hitler and Michael Jackson. Give the old dude some props!

The Marlins released a statement saying there was nothing to respect about Castro, "a brutal dictator who has caused unthinkable pain for more than 50 years. We live in a community filled with victims of this dictatorship, and the people in Cuba continue to suffer today."

<sarcasm>There you have it. The Marlins PR team said it so it must be true. Hell, they won the 1997 and 2003 World Series so WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY LIE about brutal dictators????? If they win another World Series then that qualifies them to talk about Nuclear Disarmament. None of the suffering would have anything to do with the US embargo supported by every president since Kennedy. Nope. Batista's reign of terror had nothing to do with it. It's all Castro's fault. 100%. He loves to see Cuban kids suffer and die. Yep. The Miami Marlins are now my number one source of Sociopolitical analysis.</sarcasm>

And don't tell me political talk doesn't belong in baseball and then make a pathetic attempt to summarize Castro's political and social impact! Because now you have chosen sides. Castro overthrew Batista and if the Marlins want to get into a political debate about the moral algebra represented by Castro and Batista then they are saying fans of the Marlins prefer Batista's genocide and slavery over Castro's flawed egalitarian isolationism. Really? Is that a debate the Marlins want to have between deciding what color the bats will be on Mother's Day and how much to charge for popcorn? Well, it's too late now that they suspended Guillen and I've got to announce that if you are a Marlins fan today then you are choosing an ally on a par with Hitler and Hussein and the Pharaohs of Egypt because by proxy the Marlin establishment has denounced Castro in favor of Batista. After the PR department's (full of sports management graduates trying to get Gatorade endorsements) exhaustive research of the Batista administration they have found absolutely nothing that can justify Castro's violent 1959 revolution and thus earn any respect from anyone. That's the position these children want to take? I should only have 100% contempt for Castro and long for Batista's benevolent return? Really? That's what the Marlins represent? Ok. This is what happens when ignorant suits take a kids game too seriously.

But that's the point. The story itself doesn't resolve anything. CNN doesn't ask any of these questions because they are assholes. It's purely a spray can full of shit that CNN shakes up and punctures with the knives of ignorance. They don't make the news but they do choose the press releases to highlight based on what will make Purina Dog Food buy more ad space. CNN has intentionally left out all the important details of the incident and refuse to investigate at all. They want you to be uninformed so the debate can be divisive. They don't actually investigate anything so they are, as Kurtz said, "Errand Boys sent by grocery clerks to collect a bill." No, they aren't even that. They are only delivering the message that an Errand Boy will be by later with a bill. CUNTS!
If you watch this clip and keep pressing the #1 key then you will hear what I hear in my head all the time.


 They only report on press releases. It's worse than a high school newspaper because they don't actually learn about the event, they merely relay public information to the public and take money from BMW to package it with graphics. The CNN staff is absolute worthless petty cunts. Either I'm forced to call Guillen a traitor because he feels something other than revulsion and hate for a man who risked everything to defeat exploitative and violent American Capitalist ventures in Cuba and overthrow the truly monstrous Batista,* or I have to admit that I'm a traitor because I also respect Castro and think he represents the exact same political ideology as the Tea Party and Libertarians who see Democrats as deranged hippies bent on the destruction of America, or I have to ride the fence like a fucking asshole and point out the futility in any debate on this topic at all since the current government maintains an "insane embargo" (to quote former Republican Secretary of State, George Schultz) against Cuba that's like the cool jocks not letting the Emo nerd sit at their lunch table. No matter what CNN wins as the circle jerk of idiots continues and the lack of any critical dialogue plods on in a blinding smog of indifference spewed by links to online Bachelor degrees and get rich quick schemes and ways to whiten your teeth with dog shit. Please God, Please Please Please vanquish the earth of any trace of CNN. And pretty please raise Batista from the dead and let him become Mayor of Miami or GM of the Marlins. If you do these things, my lord, I swear I will be loyal to you forever.

I'm going to go slap myself in the face with a dead marlin and punish my teddy bear for not mowing the lawn.

*Back in power, Batista suspended the 1940 Constitution and revoked most political liberties, including the right to strike. He then aligned with the wealthiest landowners who owned the largest sugar plantations, and presided over a stagnating economy that widened the gap between rich and poor Cubans.[6] Batista's increasingly corrupt and repressive regime then began to systematically profit from the exploitation of Cuba's commercial interests, by negotiating lucrative relationships with the American mafia, who controlled the drug, gambling, and prostitution businesses in Havana, and with large multinational American corporations that had invested considerable amounts of money in Cuba.[6][7] To quell the growing discontent amongst the populace — which was subsequently displayed through frequent student riots and anti-Batista demonstrations — Batista established tighter censorship of the media, while also utilizing his anti-Communist secret police and U.S.-supplied weaponry to carry out wide-scale violence, torture and public executions; ultimately killing as many as 20,000 Cubans. 
Yeah, why would Castro have a problem with Batista? I guess the Marlins think this is how you run a country.
Batista's firing squad killing Marlins Manager for Pro-Castro remarks.


Castro is no saint but he managed to slay a red, white and blue dragon so if you don't have respect for the person who managed to seize power from the cockroach Batista, if you find nothing respectable about his defeat of Batista, then you are a fucking asshole or you are still crying about your worthless United Fruit Company stock. I am so done with pro sports. Viva Che! Hasta La Victoria Siempre!
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.