Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Two Strong Ideas

My brain cancer has given me superhuman ideas....and I want to lay them down for you now.

One: Animal disposal service. I pick your animal up and deliver you some ashes back. (It's called "The Last Walk") But instead of taking the dog to the vet, I put them to work running on treadmills in shifts to keep giant turbines running to power a 24 hour drive through movie theater where the only thing on the screen is a live stream of the dogs running on the turbine. I want to make this happen today!

Two:  I forget what two was. But I need to use it as a place holder for my brain until the other idea comes back to me. One problem with my....see it came back to me.

Three: Adult books.....let me see....ok....read this....

"I had just turned 18 when me and my best friend Alicia got turned on to this new thing called "Frenching." All the other girls in my community college yoga class said I should try it. "Baby Doll," they said in the shower one afternoon when we were soaping up our firm tits, "If you want a hard orgasm that'll make you walk funny then you should do this." So one night I threw on my tight black dress that made my booty feel like a ripe peach waiting to be bitten. It also rubbed my perky nipples so they were erect all night and of course that made my young 18 year old pussy wet. Then i sashayed out the door and giggled because I was wearing my "naughty" panties...."

You get the idea? So, it's an adult book written in the first person of a girl who is about to graduate high school and loves to stalk boys and has sex with truck drivers "for the thrill". I really think this has a chance to outsell The Hunger Games because the twist is that she's really the imaginary avitar of an old smelly gypsy living in a basement playing bass guitar and using fantasy to stimulate his depleted sex drive as he dies of brain cancer. Hahahahaha. Get the joke? It's so funny. It's like philosophy for the reality show era. Candide for the Harry Potter set. Socrates for The Simpsons Generation. Please if you can illustrate then show me some love and draw up a picture of Baby Doll. The really funny thing is that for every adventure Baby Doll has will be inspired by actual 4th grade writing homework.

Here's an example of a beginning written by an actual kid...

"Albus picked up the concussion rifle, pulled back the reload button, pulled it back as it broke the window that he was aiming at. The glass shot inward with the blue flaming ball. Albus dropped the gun, stood up, kicked the alien in the face and said, "Go to the blazes!"

Now I'll take over.
"The alien had three breasts and they were all swollen with excitement. The three nipples stood proudly against the violence Albus now displayed. He zipped his pants down and growled, "Drink some man piss, you rotten alien." And he began urinating on the Alien's face, squirting his steaming pee on the alien's neck and mouth. Little did Albus know that the Alien thrived on uric acid and the piss was allowing him to regenerate his wounds. When Albus was almost done and was stroking himself for the logically following escalation of defilement of the Alien, he found his legs had been sliced off of his hips by a scythe the Alien produced from his back."

Get it? It's like that reverse age photography that makes adults appear young. I'll take a kid's words and make them adult. I guess aiming for a pervert niche with my writing isn't the best approach. But I'm not married to the idea.
Creative Commons License
Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.