Saturday, September 1, 2012

Capri Sun Celebrates Anniversary

Capri Sun released an announcement celebrating 30 years of frivolous waste and environmental destruction in America.

"We are proud to say that despite all rational explanation Americans have been purchasing our drink concentrate pouches for 30 years and quickly disposing of the packaging in the most damaging way possible," the statement declared. "Even though the drink pouch offers a pathetic 6 ounces of liquid (and at least 1 ounce of that is impossible to enjoy due to the narrow and short straw we provide) and even though the drink is purely a sugar-based, non-carbonated soda alternative with only trace amounts of natural ingredients, and the pouch is indestructible and can not be recycled, Americans still love them!"

The press release went on to describe how this incredibly irresponsible and short-sighted item was transformed from a "novelty product" and "Almost a 'fuck you' to whiny environmentalists" to one of Kraft's best selling products with 5 billion pouches produced each year and distributed by supply giant Coca-Cola.

"It was a marketing success to say the least," continued the official company statement. "This product hardly refreshes the customer since it is mostly nutrient-depriving corn sugar and barely a mouthful of water, (actually it's made from the by-products of our other drinks), but the marketing cost is exorbitant, the packaging is unbalanced according to all known ratio laws regarding content and labeling. It's like selling a stick of gum wrapped in the Gutenberg bible. The straw is glued to the package which adds a huge cost that must be passed onto the customer...but it works! We'll be up to our assholes in Capri Sun pouches before people stop buying them." The statement author went on to laughingly declare, "With the right creative team I could piss in a grocery bag and sell it to Americans!"

Capri Sun lover, six-year old Justin Sunderland of Indianapolis clumsily poked his straw into a pouch of "Banana Blast" Capri Sun, sucked a little less than half of the contents into his chubby mouth and threw the pouch onto the soccer field where his team was practicing.
"Gimme 'nother!" screamed Justin.
"He loves these Capri Sun drinks," admitted Justin's mother as she handed her son another pouch that was dispatched with in just 7 seconds before joining it's partner in a pile of non-biodegradable trash on the ground.

Capri Sun spokesman Mather Thompson confirmed that Justin's experience was typical for this mind-numbingly useless and wasteful product.

"That sounds about right," said Thompson. "Most of the users of our Capri Sun line actually lack the hand eye coordination to fully enjoy them. Many kids will lose much of the product by accidentally squeezing the straw so the liquid squirts them in the face, or else they will push the straw all the way into the pouch and eventually abandon any effort before reaching for another pouch. This "user error" accounts for the incredible profit margin we see on this item. My theory is that American children simply love throwing away such an obviously resource-rich package. The drink itself never factors into the experience. If you were going to dream up a product to train children to disrespect the environment and alienate them from the natural world, Capri-Sun would be that product. Thanks to us, there are whole neighborhoods in Chicago who think Mango and Kiwi juice are captured from magic rivers where talking parrots live."

Thompson went on to say that between 90% and 93% of all Capri Sun packaging ends up in a landfill. The remainder becomes roadside litter.

"Some idiots think the package is aluminum and try to recycle it with cans," chuckled Thompson. "Boy do the fellas at the recycling processing center hate us!"

A negligible amount of packaging is used in Mexican sweatshops to create handbags and belts. He clarified that there is no environmentally friendly way to dispose of Capri Sun packaging.
"We made sure of that. It'll take a nuclear holocaust to eliminate these pouches from the waste stream."

The official statement closed by taunting environmental and consumer advocacy groups: "If you haven't figured it out by now, Capri Sun is here to stay. We hooked the right age group, sucked them in with A-Plus perfection marketing campaign, lured them graphics that Alan Moore would give his drawing hand for, and kept them with corn sugar. You lose. We win."



1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ha. Thanks.

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