Monday, September 17, 2012

Firebird





I don't know why someone would own a Pontiac Firebird with 3'' of clearance under the exhaust. This bitch has been kicked around like a stripper at a Duke University keg party. It was blowing water out the tail pipe like a faucet. First one mechanic decided the heads were bad. They replaced the heads and it still blew water. So they replaced the whole block. And it still blew water out. So that mechanic has since been fired or quit and burned bridges and now we use his tools while he collects unemployment checks since there's nothing but disorder in the mechanic world.
Then the boss set loose a mechanic who rents one of the bays. This mechanic has a sticker that says "Texi-Can 4x4 Club" (Bull wearing a sombrero) on his gigantic Ford 250 jacked up beach cruiser with two swampland exhaust sticking up like the truck can go underwater. I hear it driving up the road and I know it gets 5 mpg. He's in 4th gear at 30 mph. Absolutely impractical as he hauls nothing but his cowboy hat and a case of beer. Texicans are Mexicans who are proudly reclaiming the land of their forefathers. A mere 150 years ago this land was seized from Mexico and it basically could've solved all their financial woes but instead the people of Jalisco and Nueve Leon pick peppers for Walmart salsa and pray to the Santa Muerte that they will not be gunned down randomly as crystal meth labs in Sinaloa manufacture fake ephedrine to feed the Midwest junkie prostitutes. The historians who look back on the early 21st century are going to be convinced we were intentionally destroying ourselves and I'm here to say that no, we were just fucking idiots. Brilliant fucking idiots.


So, this Texi-Can mechanic fumbles around with it for a few weeks, really he never should've gotten invovled, like I shouldn't get involved, because the Firebird is cursed, because the guy swaps out the heads or something and manages to mash the oil pan and then BANG a piece of the connecting rod flies out of the oil pan, sticking out like a shark is eating his way through the metal. Well, then the Firebird sits for weeks and weeks, months of dust settling as no one wants to get involved, but the owner thinks special parts are being ordered, you know, the total run around of deceit and lies while his car flouders in Texican hands and Bud Light cans collect in the back seat. I guess he was a Texi-Can't.

The windshield is the biggest windshield I've ever seen. It's like an F-15 cockpit except the glass is cracked. I bottomed out pushing it out of the garage with like 2'' lip on the floor. Pitiful as the exhaust was disconnected and I drove it with no oil or coolant into another repair bay. IT has a glass T-top also and a glass hatchback so if you get in an accident you will be plucking glass from your balls for ten years.

Now it is Oggy's turn. We have the original engine without the heads and we'll take this engine out, swap accessories and heads and intake manifold and put it all back in with guaranteed problems. I'll tell you right now I'm over my head with this project because A) I don't know what to do.* B) all the tools are scattered everywhere. C) We don't have many of the right size wrenches. D) The Firebird is cursed.

*Those are standard wrenches in the picture and there isn't one standard bolt head on this vehicle
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Man in the Van by Oggy Bleacher is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 Unported License.